After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, "You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. ', Right, what do you call a bulletproof Irishman? On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered. The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Five minutes later, he said, Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen,but one of the other engines has failed,and we will now be an hour late.A moment later, Ersorry about this, ladies and gentlemen, but the thirdengine has also given up, and we will now be two hours later than expected. Although youll find heaps of funny Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that have been added by readers in the comments section. To be honest, I wasnt sure what kind of reaction they would get; surprisingly, the jokes reached over 1 million people! You see, were normally a three-man team. If youre looking for some funny Irish jokes, the ones below should give you a giggle! She replied, Donovan @ A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. He moves closer about 20 feet. Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway, He thinks to himself Im about 40 feet away lets see what happens. 2 million hours - The average time men spend trying to find out why their darling is angry with them. Once upon a time, me and your father decided to plant a wonderful little seed. The door opened, and a young blonde stepped out. Two paddies were working for the city public works department. his advice and was well pleased with the result. Loved the first joke, absolutely legendary!!! Sure youd be arrested for less!'. He should have been home from work 3 hours ago? The man sighed. Your mums the best shag in town! Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and sticks his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar. The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, Is That Fanny Green ?, The bug-eyed altar boy couldnt believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,. When she answered the door, Pat Glynn, her husbands manager at the brewery, was stood on the doorstep. Declan, Mick and Seamus entered their local pubs weekly raffle, and to their surprise, they each won a prize: Declan a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him 500.00. 5. Why did the bike fall over? document.getElementById("ak_js_1").setAttribute("value",(new Date()).getTime()); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. The walls opened, and the lady got between them and got into a small room. If I thought Id make money, Id gamble on two flies going up a wall. Oh my God she replied. One old man says to the other, You know, Sean, perhaps we should learn another language. Ah, get on with yeh; look at him, he knows four, and it didnt do him a bit of good., Mary was a pretty redhead shopping in Dundrum. Potto gold. - Kiss Me And I'll Leprecut You - Irish You Wouldn't - Touch Me And Get Shamwrecked sloane (spihkopiyess) (@cottoncandaddy) March 16, 2018 I'm the Mystery Reader for my son's class today. Why are you laughing? Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush. Following is our collection of funny Sick Irish jokes. An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered. If you have a question that we havent tackled, ask away in the comments section below. This is one of the many Irish stereotype jokes thats flying around, but unlike many it isnt exactly offensive. The bug-eyed altar boy couldnt believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, No, Father, I think its just a Reflection from her shoes! Funny Coronavirus Jokes. Remember, these jokes are on the darker side, but a little fun always goes a long way! Sick Jokes One Liners If you're looking for jokes that are straight to the point, one-liners are for you. An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. The bartender says, "Hey.". Antos missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child. "Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. , Very well, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Marys. Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?. A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River $100. It's a pundemic. Youre joking says the patient. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors. Here are five of the very best Irish jokes that will get the whole bar laughing! I am not, the neighbour replied, Theyre both for me., An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? Irish puns are so O'ffensive! If you enjoy these, you will love the others here. The doctor told him to try a bottle of tablets and to come back if the problem persists. Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked. Share to Tumblr. The president was surprised and asked, What kind of bets? The elderly woman replied, Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square. The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. A farmer!. They dont, says the Irishman. This is a massive issue when living abroad. The diagnosis Paddy stops by the pub on the way home from the doctor. #2. Confused, the Forman asked, dont you mean the Sahara Desert?, A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, Get me a Guinness before it starts. The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. So, what someone deems as funny Irish jokes is subjective i.e. It wasnt that great, he said. Ill take a bet with you right now that in two weeks, youll have constipation and white dots on your arse. There are some sick irish jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. have willies. If you open space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking my whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday." Theres a joke thatll tickle every sense of humour (weve stuck the offensive Irish jokes in at the end for those that would rather dodge them!). . Im gonna pretend Ive gone mad! He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, Im a lightbulb, Im a lightbulb! Murphy watches in amazement. Parlez-vous Francais, he asks. That does it, he shouted, Hunchback! What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween? !, No she replied. The pedestrians crossed ages ago whens it time for the Catholics?!'. Thats right, said the lawyer. But why are you asking? One of the questions was How do you stir sugar into your tea?. He puts on his clothes and chases behind her. We've rounded up 100 St. Patrick's Day funny puns that'll make everyone looking at your Instagram and Facebook pics think, "Irish I would have thought of that caption!" They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. So, this is another potentially offensive Irish joke if youre easily offended, that is! Ill take 12 metres.. My girlfriend said, "I'm sick of it. Whiskey Q: Why did God invent whiskey? Hes a leprechaun. 1. Do yus think I shud? Yeah, replies the expert. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!, Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bars far end. After five minutes he shouted to the cop, Here! Fifteen minutes later, he says, Get me another before it starts. She looks cross but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. The other lad filling them in. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. What do alcoholics and amputees have in common? Below, youll find a handful of clean Irish jokes. I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square. Done, the elderly woman answered. As hes drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had too many drinks says, Hey, whats that little green thing down there? This Irish joke will bring a smile . And the Irishman was thinking, This is feckin great, to be sure. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, Do you think theyll serve any food on this cruise?, The second man says, I dont think so. Sick Irish Jokes by Patrick Morrison | Goodreads Jump to ratings and reviews Want to read Buy on Amazon Rate this book Sick Irish Jokes Patrick Morrison 0.00 0 ratings0 reviews 50 pages, Paperback Book details & editions About the author Patrick Morrison 7 books1 follower Ratings Reviews Friends Following So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, Do I have to take them every day? No, replies the doctor, take one on a Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. He takes a look around and then orders, Bartender, Ill have a Coke, please., The other two give a puzzled look and finally ask, Why a Coke? The brewmaster from Guinness answers, Well, I figured if you lads werent drinking beer yet, I could hold off for a wee bit.. After the fortnight is up, he goes to collect his money. And some people aren't missing a chance to spice up the hard . Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel chipping away at one of the headstones. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. "Your brother was here and he's already named them. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: Never mind, I found one!. And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true?, And that a lady sued McDonalds for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?, And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldnt read?, Paddy went to the Docs today. The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. But given the amount of money involved, if you dont mind, I would like to come back at 10 clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.. When the St. Patrick's Day jokes fall out of season, keep the laughs going with these clever knock-knock jokes. Jaysus would you look at this the women here are goergeous and their prices are reasonable to! The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman. And theres a door I havent tried, but it has a do not disturb sign on it.. They then moved to the next street and did the same, working flat out all day without stopping. To get started with the Irish jig, follow these steps: 1) Serve people a lot of alcohol and. Very well, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Marys At Mass the following day, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Skids. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. Paddy says, yeah, its these bloody instructions. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, Mick measured out the tinsel and gave it to Mary. . But, where is Mr. The Italian Lawyer. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. . I suppose that makes sense,, Well what does a woman normally drink?, OK then, Ill have a gin and tonic. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. Danny knows Mick to be a normally conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden . That's not how it works! Tell me, Paddy? He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. Wishes. How do I get to the other side of the river?, shouted one lad to the other. #9 - 1. Two weeks later, the doctor walks down the street and sees the patients wife. Hello Mrs Murphy, he says, hows your husband?. The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. When they arrived, the nurse asked, How dilated is she, sir?. Still no response. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. The tourist is so disgusted that he drives off. Funny Joke About Sunday School Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. The woman never batted an eye. . you're going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes. "So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, "Do I have to take them every day?" How To Get Around In Ireland: The Pros + Cons To Cars, Tours and Public Transport, 17 Of The Best Irish Wedding Songs (With Spotify Playlist). Is that your final answer? asked Chris. Well, says the doctor, Ive been trying to get hold of you for the past 2 days.. Pat had never been to Dublin and always lived in the countryside. It wasnt that great, he said. What are you doing working here so late at night? Joseph called. What is funny however, is some of the madness going on in the world because of the Covid-19, the toilet paper hoarding, the stockpiling of groceries and don't forget the new Coronavirus Challenge where people lick toilet . The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasnt wearing any underwear. At Mass the following day, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, A voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. Father, forgive I think its been a while since Ive been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be. You were diddled. They didnt do it last year.. Irish Jokes (Short Jokes, Long Jokes, and Paddys) Paddy's Doughnuts. Young man, said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. Its. The lawyer is going nuts, not knowing the answer. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive. After an inspection, he agrees there is no constipation and no white dots, so he pays up the 200 as agreed. After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. Sure is, Patrick. The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. Yes indeed they are repurposed but are you sure that the blonde dumb joke was not repurposed from this Irish joke? How do I get to the other side of the river?, shouted one lad to the other. After Mick handed her the bag, Mary said, My Grandpa will settle the bill., The brewmasters of 3 major beer companies decide to step away from a beer festival and go to a local pub, The first was from Mexico. Pat, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, A 10-year-old girl asked her Irish mother. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep. Im very sorry to hear that, says the doctor, I thought if he took those tablets, he would be all right., Oh, the tablets were fine, says Mrs Murphy, It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!, An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. Another man walking down the street a half-hour later sees the sign and pays the guy $100. Sean had long heard of the story of a family tradition. The other. Haha. He says: "So what's bothering you?". Miss OLeary, he says, you havent made a single payment on your new windows. It seems that his father, his grandfather, and his great grandfather, had all been able to walk on water on their 48th birthday. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. When the barman arrived back with the pint, all of the shots of whiskey had been drunk. In compliance with the GDPR, We need your permission to store cookies (or similar technologies) to personalize content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyze our traffic. Here, you'll find everything from hike and drive guides to funky places to stay and more! One lad would dig a hole and the other lad would follow him and fill the hole in. Thats good says Paddy. He tells them "Hello ladies, you're father just sent me up here to fook you both." Hurry up!" The priest says, "What about the kids?" The lawyer says, "Screw the kids!" None He fell. I may be up in years, but I still have my wits about me. ( The average I.Q in USA went up by 50% ), @ Babs L Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it. Paddy was envious. It was, replied the friend. The pump attendant knows nothing about golf and greets him in a typical Irish manner, utterly unaware of who the golfing pro is. Yes, Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer. The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. Mary, for Christs sake can ye be telling me whats for dinner ?. A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers. Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure. The elderly woman did so with a little smile. A horse walks into a bar. "Lord," he prayed, "This is driving me mad. She replies, "He's over in Rome. Paddy walked into a doctors office with two burnt ears. Here are the best Irish jokes and one liners that I know. Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness. From the one with the doctor that has good news for the patient, the news being that he has only 1 day to live, to the one with the three workers planting trees, and calling Mick an ambulance, you . A voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary The eyes of every man in the Church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. New man: Nope! Related reads:See our guides to the best Irish toasts for drinks, weddings and more. The priest fearing the worst asks, "What does that mean?". What is my favourite thing about my grandpa? Our next hilarious Irish dirty joke is about an Irish couple. Kelly said he was going to Rome for 5 yrs. He went with you to the beer factory." Paddy shook his head. Ive put the little b*stard in our garden. This time the Englishman is really mad! Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned. 3. He hears a priest come in. "Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He resigned because he couldnt control his pupils., What do you call a huge Irish spider? The Quickest Way To Cork. Poor Paddy is the butt of many, many Irish jokes. The next flat up "A Garda is driving down O'Connell Street in Dublin when he sees two fellas pissing up against the window of a shop. So an Irish woman gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl. He packed his bag that night and drove to, Mick once again, and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken. I havent been feeling myself lately, Sheamus replied. Disclaimer: I left themajorityof the more offensive Irish jokes to the end, but one of the lads sent me this in a text and I thought it was gas (Irish slang for funny)! Share to Reddit. This section is just for you. In a normal tone, he asks Mary whats for dinner my lovely? No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says Mary whats for feckin dinner ?. 1. The least I can do is ask her to dance. Funny Irish One-liners 'I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.' For the past 30 days,I have been sharing an Irish joke every day on my Facebook page. But the labour was so exhausting she falls asleep for 24 hours solid. Share via email. Some of the greatest wits were Irish: Jonathan Swift, Oscar Wilde, Brendan Behan, George Bernard Shaw. Sprechen sie Deutsch? Again, the old men shake their heads. Theres a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true? The man was evidently offended and responded, The cheek, just because I order a pint of Guinness you assume Im Irish. I havent got a clue. said Mick, So Ill use the last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days, he said. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money .., Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park in 2 hours time, Signed, Paddy from Cork.. He parks the car and runs over to them. -. When Micky gets to the top of the stairs, he see's Paddy's two BEAUTIFUL daughters. Two Irishmen, Declan and Seamus were walking down a country road, when they. The Guinness factory 9. Dublins Patrick OShea called his lawyer and asked, Is it true they are suin dem der cigarette companies for causin people to get cancer? It's either you're not in touch with reality or you just don't care! Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. Best funeral jokes ever - Unijokes.com - 41 Funeral jokes animal asian black people blonde chemistry Chuck Norris dad dead baby desert island dirty fat gay IT jewish kids knock-knock lesbian little Johnny marriage math mexican nerd poems racist redneck sex stupid white people women Yo mama The best funeral jokes Home Page. These ones are sure to get the whole pub laughing. ", "Denise actually, I quite like that. He pinned the note inside the little dogs collar and told the dog to go straight home. Paddy says, Sure, everyone is probably watching the band.. Score: 20. Father, he confessed, it been one month now since my last confession They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. With his list, he reached for the most enormous cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it. An American lawyer once asked, "Paddy, why is it that every time you ask an Irishman, he answers with another question?". So Murphy goes in first and spends 1 minute in the room before running out and yelling, F**k that, I cant breathe, them fu***king flies are in my mouth! One turns to the other and says, It was a beautiful ceremony, wasnt it?!. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not ninety-nine! Oh yes, it is, said the Irishman, Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine., The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off, so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all; therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100. !, Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together, recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation. I think youll find its perfectly pleasant and does no one any harm. Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John." "Oh dear," John replies. You are always pretending to be a Transformer!" How do I leave?, The desk clerk says, Sir, thats absurd. From down stairs Paddy could be heard "WHAT'S THE USE OF FOOKIN ONE?". Whats the story? Paddy asks when he sees the look on Sheamuss face. Share to Pinterest. I always make money. 5. I cant stand this. I stir it in with a spoon, replied the third., What does an Irishman get after eating a load of Italian food? Lash it into the comments section at the end of this article! It's an old one but certainly, doesn't disappoint. Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 16, 2011 Love Irish jokes. Share to Twitter. After thinking for a long while, the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The priest and the lawyer lower a lifeboat. But this is a newsagents'. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the presidents office. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. An old Jew dies and goes to Heaven. Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy says, "In the car." Paddy says, "That's the quickest way." --. The priest replies, "So yo . Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, Dont sell that cow.. Where did you get this? asks the expert. What is a redneck virgin? Those on foot would cross the street. Also my Mam visits this website, and I dont want her disowning me! A furniture dealer from Kerry decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France, to see what he could find. Mary, for Christs sake can ye be telling me whats for dinner ? Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing. Theyre called tees, replies Tiger. If I ordered a bowl of pasta would you that make me Italian? ? The garda looks over at the woman and asks, Does your husband always talk to you this way, Maam? Smiling sweetly, she replies. He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note. later Fr. I got this done in Dublin. He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note. His life insurance 4. Totally exasperated by now, the tourist asks, Parla Italiano? The men once again look at each other and then shake their heads in puzzlement. raspberry again, SPLBLBLBLBT! From silly puns to pub jests, to funeral jokes, the Irish humor has something for everyone. I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed the dog-owner, Ive just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, watch out you dont trip up over your laces, Paddy., Paddy says, yeah, its these bloody instructions., Paddy says, underneath the shoe, it says Taiwan.. "Will it help?" she asked. Tequila Mockingbird. 30 funny Scottish jokes: the most hilarious one-liners, puns and gags about Scotland From Frankie Boyle to Billy Connolly, Scotland isn't short of comic jokesmiths - here are thirty funny jokes. The Englishman was thinking, The Irish fella must have kissed Julia, and she missed him and slapped me instead. Julia Robert was thinking, The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it. Because only a few of them could pass the bar., Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher in the national school in Westport? They misspelt my name, and here I have to correct it!, Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. It was offensive." The Jew pauses and replies "I guess you had to be there." . The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, Spit it out you little bastard.. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. You were diddled. Sick Jokes. So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me whats for dinner? OK none of these jokes are going to be overly filthy, because this is a site for all the family. The world has turned upside down. Administrator; Rock Elite; Posts: 1531; Thanked: 139 times; Karma: 146; Twilight of Mischief; Sick Irish Jokes The empty glass 8. Three guys - one Irish, one English, and one Scottish - are out walking along the beach together one day. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic.